FROM: DF & WB
TO: Craig Fruin, H.K. Mgmt
SUBJECT: Possible 96 tour
Craig - we're looking at the bottom line on this summer '96 tour proposal, it is very plush and all that, no problem there. But - there was a lot of shit that was totally wrong the last couple of times we went out, and we will not even consider playing in public again until our non-negotiable demands re the tour have been met, and met in full. Here they are:
1. Band members - we got lucky last time with most of the guys, they were polite and well groomed and played their parts nicely when they could. But just because we lucked out once or even twice, that doesn't mean we drop our guard, right? So: the multiphasic personality inventory results have to be on our desks by no later than April 1 - this time the bloodwork is mandatory and we're not kidding - and finally, everybody has to know in front that unnecessary eye contact with D & W is completely out of the question.
2. The auditions for female vocalists, wardrobe mistress, and models for the "Come Back Betty" logo, will be held in Juans-le-Pins France, in the last two or say three weeks in May. The magazine pictures we forwarded to you are to be your guideline in the preselection process, and by the way, it is not inconceivable to us that, if you were to call over there to Vogue, Elle, or the Victoria's Secret place, those specific girls may in fact be available and willing to take a couple of tambourine lessons if necessary.
3. There will be a mandatory charitable donation to D & W's favorite project this year, namely the Paia Center for Feral Misses (working title). You will recall that the center is to be a full service community-based facility, with a complete range of services: makeovers, massage, deprogramming, detox, retox, eucalyptus aromatherapy, the works - and as such it will be very expensive to set up and maintain. D & W would like to see everyone kick into the max, as they will be down there most every day, giving of their time and energies, and will want to know that you and everybody else are right there with them in finance if not in any other way. The center's slogan will be: We're Not Perverts, We're Philanthropists.
4. Ms Gisella LeFleur will not be the hostess on the corporate jet this year.
5. The wearing of expensive wristwatches or obnoxious cologne by backstage personnel is expressly forbidden, and the first violation will result in immediate dismissal.
6. Members of the rhythm section will not consume alcoholic beverages before, during, or even immediately after the show. You know what we're talking here, don't you?
7. Bandmembers will not converse or fraternize with our BG singers or other female members of the travelling party without D & W's express written permission, which will be granted rarely if ever. Even then, communications should be businesslike and brief. Actual flirting? - one strike and you're Audi.
8. All technical personnel shall be referred to by the name "Tony", just as at River Sound. Tour manager Doug Casper shall be referred to as "Officer Dugan". Speaking of whom: there are so many problems with this individual's professional conduct, both attitudinal and behavioral, that said breaches will be a subject of a separate communique issued from us at a later date.
9. Grotesque facial expressions or other exaggerated displays by soloists must be avoided at all times, overture and encore included. Something to watch for during auditions.
10. You, Craig, are way too fucking tall - try and stoop down a little when we're around, would you please? There is, is there not, the matter of your artists' morale to be considered here, and I don't think a little lower back pain is too much to ask for from a manager. Agreed?
11. Our booking agent, Howard Rose? - lose him.
Toodles, D & W
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