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Senator Charles Schumer:

First of all, I would like to offer my belated congratulations on your recent electoral victory. Although I myself did not vote for you or for anyone else in November of 1998, I was delighted to see you elected to that august deliberative body, the United States Senate. My reason for not voting was that I believed that by not voting, I would be effectively neutralizing the vote of our fellow worker Phil Burnett, who is an unrepentant Wall Street Journal right winger, and who also did not vote. Clearly my strategy was successful, at least in your case, and I am glad to have contributed in my small way to your success.

So I am coming to you as a loyal constituent (although not an actual citizen of New York State), who, as you can see, has contributed substantially to your reelection, and who is now asking for your help with a few small matters of some concern to myself and/or the community at large. To wit:

1. There has recently been an ungodly influx of fiercely bad movies from the British Isles into the moviehouses of Manhattan and, I suspect, elsewhere. It's gotten so you can't even make it to the main feature anymore without being touted on two or more of these stinkeroos. It's hard to say exactly how many examples of this doleful trend I have suffered through, inasmuch as they are largely indistinguishable from one another. The common elements include bad teeth, bad comedy, homely women, tiny cars, incomprehensible dialog delivered in a baffling variety of unrecognizable brogues, grunts and warbles, dreary cityscapes, desolate rural roadways, bad skin, and poorly lit interiors. Surely there is some way to keep this kind of garbage from washing up on our shores. We have enough bad art here already without importing it as well.

2. It's getting so that you can't turn on the TV anymore without seeing a parade of near-naked supermodels sauntering insolently down a runway. These splendid processions are generally accompanied by some sort of minimalist pop music concocted for the occasion. Despite the ever-increasing frequency of these presentations on the various cable channels, it is a sad fact that my partner Donald Fagen and I have never once been asked to score or even attend one of these grand spectacles. Surely you are in a position to remedy this sorry state of affairs. Have your couturier friends give us a call; we will gladly attend rehearsals or do whatever it takes to develop the correct rapport with the individual models and to generally get the feel of the milieu. By the way - how the hell do you start a conversation with those girls? What can you say or do to put them at ease? You are a United States Senator, you know how these things are done. A few tips would most certainly be welcome in this quarter.

3. I have a friend who has begun pyschotherapy here in town. The therapist has given my friend something called the Rorschach Test. My friend says the test consists of a series of inkblots, all of which depict lesbians having sex together. My question is this: in what way is this supposed to be therapeutic? Should my friend have taken the prison time instead?

Wow - would you look at the time! I gotta book outahere and I'm sure you're busy too - aren't you? Thanks for your consideration Chuck, and tell Pat I said hello - we haven't seen him hunkered down at the bar in the Carlyle in a hound's age.


Walter Becker
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